why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
