She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
