Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
