Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
