As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
