oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
