i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
