Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
