Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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