This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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