you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
