Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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