Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
