Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
