Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
