Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
