ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We need to get me chipped asap
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
