Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
