i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
