Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
