I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
