is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
