he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
