That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i out mim tonsoeep
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