i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
