what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
