You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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