Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
