She is in my trunk
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
