I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
