got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
