Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
