It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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