so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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