I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
