i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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