I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
What a dumb baby whore.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
