She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
