If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
