Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
