i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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