I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
