she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
