i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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