Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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