If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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