tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just want to make out with him forever
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
