I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
