I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
