Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
