This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
