u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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