Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
